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Sept. 12, 2014: The Crush

September 12, 2014

Since we realized that Mara needed to transition about three years ago, we’ve both had a concern that I might feel the need for more male energy in a relationship (read: a penis), especially after she had SRS. And frankly, once she’s had bottom surgery, so might she.

Well, I already have a crush on someone. But here’s the rub: The object of my crush is a post-SRS transwoman. I never would’ve thought. (Then again, I never thought I would marry a transgender person until I fell in love with Mara.)

The person I’m attracted to is a friend of ours. She’s flirtatious, bold, uninhibited, courageous, charismatic, smart, beautiful, kind and insightful — qualities that just about anyone would find attractive. But first and foremost, she is a friend, and I don’t want to fuck up a good friendship. So I told Mara about the crush, and we talked about it — the two of us and with our counselor.

Then, I made what I think is a big mistake (although our counselor said no harm done): I called the person I have a crush on and told her. I thought this would help bring me some closure. And part of me wanted to know how she felt about me. If she didn’t have similar feelings, that would help me get over the crush, I thought.

But now I realize that calling her was selfish. She had transitioned recently, and that’s a huge undertaking that she’s still dealing with. This call was the last thing she needed. She said she was flattered and that she would never do anything to come between Mara and me; and I told her that, even though I am attracted to her, I am committed to my marriage with Mara. We actually had a nice conversation, and I did get the sense that she didn’t feel the same way about me.

Mara and I have talked since then, but I haven’t spoken to our friend, even though she had said she wanted to process the info from the first call and talk again. I created an awkward situation. I take full responsibility for that. I don’t want to lose a friend, and I don’t want to create a rift between her and Mara. By the way, Mara has no ill will toward her. She knows that I own my feelings, no one else. And she appreciates that I came clean about my feelings so that we can have a dialogue.

But it’s still awkward. And except for “liking,” “commenting” and “sharing” on Facebook, we haven’t been in communication with our friend. It’s probably best to keep our distance for awhile and let time heal. My hope is that it does heal.



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  1. Beth permalink

    Interesting navigating feelings, isn’t it, especially when a new party is concerned. I agree with your shrink, no harm done. This is simple exploration.

    • Yes, very interesting, Beth. And you’re right about it being simple exploration. It didn’t feel that way when I was in the throes of the crush, but now that I’m on the other side, I can look at it from a more detached perspective.

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