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March 25, 2013: Busting Out

March 26, 2013

I had a major breakthrough yesterday. First, here’s the back story: I think I blogged once about the time one of my brothers got married (about 15 years ago), and a little girl, maybe 3 years old, danced around on the dance floor to the DJ music while everyone else was still eating. Referring to the little girl, my sister commented, “That’s Mimi when she was 3.”

The communication class Mara and I took a week ago really got under my skin, and I have somehow found that little girl, who was so shut down all these years, because I took what people said about being good and not acting out and made that who I was.

Now, about yesterday: Mara and I went to a friend’s birthday party, and I actually walked up to people I didn’t know and got into conversations, relating to them and being (I love this word) effusive. (OK, I know that sounds weird, since most people can walk up to strangers at a party and get into a conversation; but that wasn’t me.) The best part is that it was all so easy and natural. I just did it without thinking about it or fretting about whether they would like me. And I got some great feedback: I was telling one couple about the show I recently produced, and they said they got it that I loved doing that type of thing. I told some other people I’m about reinventing myself in terms of career and mentioned that I love performing arts and have done stand-up comedy. One of them said he could see me doing stand-up, because I have the personality for it.

So my family members were partly right: I have been shut down, basically letting Mara do the talking in conversations with other people. But it’s not because she is controlling me; I made that decision way before we met. I would have done the same with whomever I married. And I’m not in denial about it. Never was. I knew what I was doing all along, ever since I was in high school: shutting down and hiding out. So now I’ve finally busted out. It feels good to be free.

And no, this doesn’t mean I don’t need Mara anymore or that I’m going to leave her. I love her more than ever.

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