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Jan. 1, 2013: No More Equivocating

January 2, 2013

We had the Post Office hold our mail while we were in Arizona, and when it was all delivered, there were lots of greeting cards. So we got to see in one sitting how people see us. Nearly everyone we had come out to who sent a card addressed it to Mara and me. Of those who don’t accept Mara, one person wrote our last names on the envelope, using Mara’s old last name. (She had changed her first and last names legally last May.) One person addressed the card only to me and enclosed a BevMo gift card. We used it to buy a nice bottle of red wine, which we’ll open on my birthday later this month.

When I emailed a thank-you note, I said that “we” used the card to buy the wine, which “we” will enjoy on my birthday — because that’s the truth. I’m sharing it with Mara. I had been using “I” instead of “we” and talking in the passive voice (e.g., “the movie was enjoyable” rather than “we enjoyed the movie”). But I’m doing exactly what our counselor said we shouldn’t do: I’m equivocating. Mara and I bought the wine. Mara and I enjoyed the movie. I’ve been placating certain people so as not to “ruffle any feathers.”

But the truth is that Mara and I are a couple. Her transition from male to female doesn’t change that. And each person’s feelings and opinions about are relationship and about Mara are their own. They alone are responsible for how they handle the situation, just like I’m responsible for how I handle it; and I can’t protect them from their own feelings and opinions.

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, because I know I can resolve to do (or not do) anything at any time. But I am resolving today to stop equivocating about Mara and our relationship.


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  1. Lorri and Caryn from ES, AR permalink

    Excellent post!! Equivocating, I found, makes me feel as though I am not brave enough to ‘be’ with the love of my life,no explanations needed.

  2. Thanks Lorri! You’re right: not explanations needed.

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